happy halloween. we're horny. i'm different.

i came home today to a roommate on a couch. no one sits on the couches in this house. i asked him how he was. he said, "horny." i said to another roommate earlier that i was sad kristen had to go home, but i hadn't masturbated in four days, "so, yeah." later, a few of us were sitting in the kitchen talking about halloween and something about pissing in asses. another roommate, one with a girlfriend, walked in and asked how everyone was. "we're all horny."

i love having roommates most of the time. so far.

kristen came and went. i've been here three months or something and i am on my third-and-a-half job and i feel wildly different than before i left.

my best friends and i are branching off, moving in other directions, blah, blah. blah. becoming different people.

kristen's mom sent her a text while she was here that read, "don't stay there, you already know yourself." i laughed. touche' donna!

kristen also said, "you don't know how weird your best friend is until you're trying to describe them to someone."

my friend josh said to me the other day, "i can see you being a momma, but i sure can't see you havin' a husband!" when i told kristen about this, she confessed she had essentially said the same thing to someone about me.

yesterday, i joked that my new goal in life is to get knocked up on the colorado trail. "as long as it's not with some rando," said my housemate. "oh no. i know myself too well. that's exactly how it'll end up. i just hope it's not in the next six years, but i know it'll be a surprise. i mean, hopefully my kid will have a cool dad, but i'm not trying to shack up."

i don't know what i'm trying to say.

i have a lot of love for grateful dead fans. maybe i will have love for the grateful dead someday, but there are too many songs to listen to for me to ever be that knowledgeable.

i'm obsessed with astrology.

it's halloween and i don't want to get wild, but i do want to get drunk and eat all of phil's cookies and piss in his ass.

been chewing on these thoughts for some days now.

between bed bugs in my bed and snot in my head, this week has been something else.

i'm beat.

this morning, i woke up with this sort of self-perpetuating revelation that i am not like other people and it's okay. at times i'm sensitive and i don't like the feeling that my lifestyle or choices may be scrutinized by others simply due to a lack of understanding. it's an inevitable fact of life and i shouldn't let it bother me.

it's surreal to pass folks on the sidewalk or even to stand outside the bar smoking cigarettes with people my own age and feel wholly disconnected. shit, i feel this way with the people in my house sometimes. it's like we're all living in completely different realities. i guess in all actuality we are.

if you are an earnest seeker of truth, knowledge, experience, you put a gap between yourself and the rest of society. the more you know, the more that gap grows. (geoff and i talked about this the other day, and it's making a lot more sense now.) i suppose we can use kindness and empathy -love- to bridge the gap. people are people.

this is a sleepy, pre-nap ramble.

EDIT:

just read this in the tao te ching:

when you are content to be simply yourself
and don't compare or compete
everybody will respect you.

....................

while whisking vats of to-be-frozen yogurt, i began to wonder if crazy shit happens to me not because of strange odds or cosmic energy, but perhaps because i suffer from some sort of mental illness.

or maybe i simply approach life differently, more freely...

or perhaps, mental illness.

i'm not sick.
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i see a correlation between the amount of food i consume and the amount of "other things" i do not "consume."

i eat more when i'm not getting any.

One of my new roommates Jacob and I went up to the mountains the other day. We stopped at Molas Pass, first, which is probably irrelevant to those of you not familiar with the area. On our way back, we drove up to Spud Lake (also likely irrelevant) right as the sun was beginning to set. Our timing couldn't have been better. Jacob gave me the camera for a bit. Here's what happened:

rambles

my former boss at the coffee shop i adored working at "let me go" so that he could hire someone who had worked there before; someone who could "keep up the pace." i realize there is always room for improvement, but this had less to do with my work performance than it did with us constantly butting heads. however, he was kind enough to recommend me to colleague of his who owns a frozen yogurt shop.

i now work at a frozen yogurt shop.

the walls are obnoxious, glossy blue and goldenrod. no, that color combo isn't the worst. but in a brightly lit and sterile frozen yogurt shop with disney music and showtunes blasting overhead, it's a migraine inducing color combo.

this job may drive me to suicide.

it's so easy, so simple. anyone can do this job. i mostly wipe counters, refill toppings and kiss ass. typically, i'm a pretty solid kiss-ass. but these young, bouncy ponytail wearing girls are motherfucking experts. "oh my gosh i love your ring!??!!! where did you get it?" "are you guys having so much fun tonight?!??!!!!!" "are you german or swedish?!!!"

one girl was like, "so, are you sooooo excited about your first closing shift?" uh, yeah. it's work. of course i'm thrilled? and these girls smile and smile and smile and have the most ridiculous, maniacal laughter i've ever heard. what the shitballs is so funny? what are you on? i need to know so i know never ever to try it.

i am not against people being happy. i love being happy and i typically consider myself a moderately cheerful, easygoing lady. but christ! this is not my style at all. and what's worse is that they keep telling me how they really stress a peppy, chirpy, bubbly, enthusiastic attitudes there. do people really  like that? 

OMMMMGG!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

one day, i'm going to leave in the middle of my shift and go lay in the street. or, i'm going to flip out and start throwing toppings all over the place and smearing froyo all over my body; show them what maniacal laughter is really about.

i'm seeking other work right now, but it's not really a good time of the year. all the tourists are leaving!

this job is going to drive me to drink more, i'm afraid.

i would rather have the hairs plucked from my taint or poop in my own hands than to endure that place for more than a couple months.

and, seriously, i've already DESTROYED my resume, considering how many times i've switched jobs this year.


__________________________________

i bought groceries today and managed to stay under $50. that's a huge feat for me.

and an 18 year old filipino boy asked me for my number even after i had told him i'm psychotic and 24.

and my roommate cooked up some old steak shit with beans and rice.

and i'm in a great mood, believe it or not.

i like life.
like always.

even though i work at the most annoying place in durango.

that 18 year old filipino kid asked me what i want to do with myself. i said i don't know. i just want to live. for once in my life, that answer satisfied me. i hope it moves something in that kid somehow. i kind of doubt it, but who knows? i hope he realizes there is so much more to living than going to college and having a career.

but some people need that structure, i suppose. and some people fight against it and eventually learn to live without it. for the most part. (i'm not 100% sure i even agree with what i'm saying. at this point, i'm just rambling. pondering.)

anyway, i think i've said enough for tonight.

gooooooood nessss.
gooooooood niight.